How can you save or elevate your relationship without doing it “together” with your partner?
There are a few reasons why working on your relationship by yourself is actually the only way to elevate your relationship…
1. Whenever you do it together with your partner, yes, you see that you need to change but you’re still side-eyeing them to notice their change – giving your power away and inhibiting change.
2. But I can’t take all responsibility! I have so many responsibilities already, work hard for our life style and now I am supposed to do that AS WELL? – You taking responsibility doesn’t mean hoisting a 400 lb anvil and letting it weigh you down over time. It means becoming aware of your response-ability and focusing on what you can do. (talking circle of concern vs. circle of influence)
3. Let’s say you found a way to change your partner. You know what would happen? – You’d lose your respect and trust. Because when you find that button to change them, then you’ll push it whenever you want and lose your respect. And as you’ve found that button, you’ll know that other’s may find it, too and you lose your trust.
Ever seen relationships fall apart after one partner did exactly what the other wanted them to do? – That’s how it goes. What seems to may elevate your relationship turns out to be its coffin nail.
4. Before it clicked for me (and let me be honest here: it took me decades) I would learn things that had the potential of elevating my relationship but then – I projected them on my partner and asked them to do those things as well. And as they were either not open to listen in the first place or failed to implement, I resented them for it and I let what could have elevated the relationship be of its detriment instead… Sounds toxic? – I sure was… with loving intentions…😣
What do you think makes the difference?
A) Overcome your persistent negative emotions connected to negative events in the past, aka your emotional baggage. Ever had your partner remind you of something negative an ex partner (or parent?) did and you got triggered/pissed out of nowhere but couldn’t tell them why?
– There is a way to release that shit!
B) Master your emotions. We all know that it’s important to master our emotions in business settings but doing it at home is a different ball game. But isn’t it even more important? Getting rid of emotional baggage is half of the deal but there are still appropriate negative emotions that need to be dealt with in a way that it doesn’t weaken, but strengthen the relationship!
There are Gurus out there in the personal development field that say that your emotions and your partner’s emotions a separate and everyone needs to care for their own. And that your emotions are your choice. It’s a lie and it make me furious.
Your happiness and your partner’s happiness are deeply intertwined. Let me prove it to you:
When you send your partner a text, they WILL feel something. When you read their response you WILL feel something. And if they don’t respond within an expected timeframe, you will feel something, too!
The emotion comes up immediately and unconsciously and is NOT a choice. THEN it is about mastering that emotion and mastering your state physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, so that you are your best self, take the information that lies underneath then emotion and use it to the benefit of you and your relationship.
C) Speak Love-Based Language. Did I say master your emotions? What if you could master your partner’s emotions, too? (Which will then elevate your emotions, too, right?) Using Love-Based Language means expressing yourself effectively so that you not only speak with loving intentions but your partner FEELS your empathy and compassion, feels heard and seen and their needs are met so they can then reciprocate and fulfill your needs as well.
Does that make sense? Does that sound like concept that can really elevate your relationship?
If so, does it sound difficult? Is it difficult? Yes and no. If you go ahead and try to figure it out on your own, chances are you’ll fall off very quickly and it will seem like an impossible task. Kinda like skiing.
At the bottom of the bunny hill with all the 4 year olds dashing down it doesn’t look that difficult. You’re unconsciously incompetent.
You put on your skis and push off firmly – and in split seconds you become consciously incompetent.
But with the right ski instructor or mentor, explaining you the pizza wedge and such, you quickly manage to get down that bunny hill and you become consciously competent.
And with a little practice it becomes second nature and you can film your friends on your phone while your legs know how to get you down even a red slope.
So yes, it can be an adjustment at first but with the right guidance and a little practice it becomes second nature quickly and your relationship will blossom like you could have never imagined.
Are you curious what that would like for you? Book your discovery call.
Or read about how offering true choices can be a game changer in your relationship.
Much Love,
Arno